Review: Five Guys

I've never reviewed a restaurant before, but I've also never had an experience that made me want to. That all changed yesterday night when my wife and I went out to eat at Five Guys restaurant in Bountiful, UT.

The Five Guys franchise is nationwide, and the red and white checkered walls of the local branch were covered with laudatory quotes from publications across the country. But the first thing I noticed was the wall of potato sacks that separated the line where you wait to order from the eating area. With actual Idaho potatoes in them. That actually got cooked. Then I saw the menu.

Five Guys has essentially taken everything non-essential out of the burger joint business and chucked it out the window. That includes fancy combo meals, endless lists of cleverly (or not so cleverly) branded burger variations, kids meals, and ridiculous promotions. Aside from one vegetarian option and hot dog offerings for lighter eaters, the entire menu consists of a hamburger, a cheeseburger, and a bacon cheeseburger in a "little" size (single patty) or regular size (double patty) for a standard prices. All toppings, no matter what, are free, but if you order a burger with "everything" they won't take you too literally by mixing all the sauces they offer or something silly like that. The menu makes it easy to see what an "everything" burger is.

But the brilliance of it is that you don't have to ask "what's on your Santa-Fe Rancherito Black Angus Express Burger?" You just order a burger and tell them what you want on it. And the burgers are good. They're juicy and well done. There's no questioning how you want your meat cooked. It's all the same, and it's all good.

Fries come in two sizes of one variety, both of which are generous, and they actually taste fresh. When my wife and I stepped up to the counter and ordered two bacon cheeseburgers and two large fries, the young cashier looked a little startled and asked how many people we were trying to feed. When we said it was just us he told us "you don't want two large fries. You want two regular fries. Actually, you want one regular fry. Trust me."

We did, and he was right. The three items plus drinks were enough to satisfy both of us. The regular fry was an average sized drink cup that was overflowing by so much it could have been filled twice.

There's also no difference between "to stay" and "to go" orders at Five Guys. Everything comes in a brown paper sack so you can take it if you want to or need to, but if not you can just pull it out of the sack. Simple.

That's the epitome of Five Guys, really: simplicity. The menu is by far the easiest to understand that I've ever seen. You can take it all in at a glance, and no one will be pointing out some exotic item to you just after you ordered and making you wish you had seen it before. Every topping you could want is available (including unusual ones like green peppers and several sauces), and you're not limited by some marketing genius' imagination - just your own. Since it's all included in the price of the burger, you don't need to worry about not getting what you want. Just ask for the toppings. Don't hold back. There are no fancy displays or useless toys to junk up your house and make your kids mad with envy. You go to eat. You just order what you want (and it's really what you want) and eat it.

And it's good. You know all those pictures of perfect burgers other restaurants are always using to sell their squashy chunks of processed cow? Five Guys burgers actually look like that. I wouldn't have believed it if I hadn't seen it for myself. I've heard the one in D.C. is even better, and I'll admit that I didn't find any knock-you-out flavors in the meat or fries, but neither did I find anything bland or otherwise objectionable. No over-salting, no stale buns, no weird tastes. Just good food, as simple or as fancy as you want to make it.

The other thing Five Guys excels at is the experience. While it's all very quick, easy, and transparent (the burgers are cooked right out in the open), you don't feel like you're in a school cafeteria line. The kids working there had personality. The cashier would shout the orders back and get a synchronized chorus of grunts and yells in acknowledgment. Everyone was courteous, especially the otherwise quiet lad with the broom (and no obligation to even acknowledge our presence) who sent us on our way with a winning smile, an expression of gratitude and the most sincere, friendly sounding invitation to return that I've ever experienced at a restaurant of any caliber. And if you could want anything more, there are free peanuts at the door, unassumingly displayed in what must have been the cardboard boxes they were shipped in. Grab a scoop, put 'em in a paper boat, and take a seat. Self explanatory. Simple.

Five Guys was easy on a couple of first-timers who have had rough experiences at people-processing plants like Cafe Rio, Subway, and others where either the menu or the speed at which you were expected to order was too much to handle, and where the staff seemed annoyed if you slowed them down with questions. This time we felt like the employees cared about us, not just our money. We had good food and a great experience, and we'll be sure to go back again.