Gracious Words: Thoughts on Taming the Unruly Evil

"If any man offend not in word, the same is a perfect man" (James 3:2).
On the other hand, "Every idle word that men shall speak, they shall give account thereof in the day of judgment" (Matthew 12:36).

I've been thinking about this a lot lately. My mom used to play a song to her day-care kids called The Think, Feel, Do Polka. It went like this:

You think it, you feel it, you do it
It's that old think, feel, do polka!
You think it, you feel it, you do it;
That's the way your thoughts control ya.

Somewhere mixed in there with thoughts, feelings, and actions, however, we also have words. What is it that's so powerful about words, anyway?

For one, they are a (if not the) primary meaning carrier in human communication. I know there's all that stuff about most of communication being non-verbal, and "a picture's worth a thousand words," but tell me how your body language is going to convey "the sky is red tonight." And we can't spit images out our mouths. Tone, context, body language - they all set the stage for your words. Images also do a lot, but our use of them as a primary form of communication is extremely limited. Most of what we want to say on a daily basis we try to form words for. So words matter. According to the foregoing scriptures, they matter a lot.

Interesting that the latter verse singles out idle words. What does that mean? Idle is basically the same as saying lazy, useless, baseless, meaningless, or unimportant, right (that's a paraphrase of several definitions I read)? So when we say things that don't mean anything, that we aren't sure about but won't bother to check (in a dangerous way), that have no foundation, or that can't accomplish any good, we're in danger of judgment. I think it also has to do with the pure fountain concept: namely that the same fountain can't put forth both sweet and bitter water. Yet with our mouths we bless God and curse his children. We spout platitudes, praises, and profanities. We claim to love, but we excoriate in so-called humor. It's only a joke, though.

This is coming from someone who is always ready with something that might be funny. Have you ever noticed that when humor comes from a prophet (or other General Authority), it's never demeaning - to anyone? So much of the humor we hear in the world has a person - a child of God - as its butt. It in some way puts down or disrespects a person. That's why it's supposed to be funny. Is that right?

So instead of idle words, we should fill our mouths with gracious words. My favorite definition of grace comes from Elder Holland, who says that grace is the enabling power of Christ. What then, does it mean to speak graciously? Is it not to speak as Christ would - in a way that enables others (and ourselves) to be better?

Here are some thoughts on gracious words - thoughts that I've had because I need to learn this better. I hope they do you some good as well.

Speaking love
God is love. If our words are to be gracious, they must be inspired by love, and be intended to convey that love.

Meaning what we say
Honesty as a rule is fast vanishing from the world. I don't mean technical honesty, where you find some way to frame your words so that they can be construed as true. I mean effectual honesty, where the impression you leave on the hearer is accurate. Gracious words are honest because they come from the best knowledge and best intent of the speaker.

Sarcasm
I think there are some appropriate uses of sarcasm, but it can be bitter, harsh, and hurtful. A sarcastic, cynical attitude is increasingly popular in modern culture as a mark of a quick wit and and a careful mind. I submit that gracious words are instead sincere and gentle.

Making our words match our beliefs
"Boy it sure was lucky that when I was thrown from that car I landed in the only possible spot where I wouldn't have split my head open." Was it lucky? Do you really believe that? Or do you know it was thanks to divine intervention? Why not admit it then? Gracious words deny not the gifts of God by reference to popular concepts.

"It was fate that I, Brother Johnson met the woman I was to marry that night." I didn't realize that fatalism was a part of Mormon doctrine. You might think it was fate, but if you really believe it was divine guidance, then admit it. It's gracious.

Speaking God's word
Do we reserve our utterances of God's word for testimony meeting and family home evening - maybe an occasional moment when we are feeling particularly spiritual? Or do we speak in the name of the Lord at home, in public, and at church? I'm not saying that every sentence should begin "In the name of..." But we should speak in a way that we need not be ashamed of our words were the Savior standing beside us. And when the occasion presents itself, we should be fearless in speaking the words the Lord puts into our mouths.
 
Praise
As all our mothers taught us, if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all. But lets take it further. Perhaps we should look for something nice to say, rather than being content to stay silent. Don't be insincere, but if you can find a praiseworthy attribute in someone or something, why not share? More likely than not it will be met with:

Gratitude
As it is gracious to give praise when deserved, so is it gracious to receive praise and other gifts with thanks. False modesty or self-deprecation tend to create an air of awkwardness, and leave the giver feeling rejected. A gracious compliment can be accepted humbly, and returning thanks edifies in turn.

Complaining
It's pointless. Nobody listens. Even if they do, they don't like it. Who is helped by endless complaining? There's a difference between complaining and identifying a problem, which is that the latter is usually followed by an attempted solution. It's the difference between constructive and destructive.

Politeness
How much more productive would our public discourse be if people could remember to be courteous? Instead of ad hominem ad nauseum we might actually get some advantage over our difficulties. We might work together more often and resolve a few more differences. We might value multiple perspectives and see how we can combine the good from each. This is not compromise as much as collaboration. When we are polite, we salvage good and often add to it. Rudeness brings a destructive end to discourse.

Soberness
Not everything is a joke. Yet. But we're working on it. That's not a joke, it's warning. 'Nuff said.

Voice Quality
"It's not what you said, it's how you said it." If I had a dollar for every time I heard that as a kid, I'd be able to buy groceries for a month. Gracious words come in a package that is equally gracious. If my words are true, but my manner false, how can that enabling grace become effective?

You know how when you see a person you often get an automatic expectation of what their voice will sound like? I once had a professor who claimed that because your voice was such a powerful tool, you should cultivate it and give it the sound you desire. His own voice was stately and deep, and he said that he had developed that sound intentionally. It was also reflected in his image. You know what? Because he matched the words to the sound, the words were made more powerful - more enabling. More gracious.