Reflections (Preflections?) on Graduation: A Perspective from Just This Side of the "Finish" Line

To expound upon my previous post a bit (as well as for other purposes):

Today began the first week of my last class at the University of Phoenix, where I'm studying for a bachelors degree in Business Management, although the class doesn't actually meet until next Wednesday. The first week's assignments are in force as of today. It goes for five weeks, making my actual liberation date December 2, 2009, never mind the fact that the pomp and circumstance doesn't happen until May.

I've been going to college - with some interruptions - since 2002, just trying to find what I wanted to study and finish a degree in it and I realize more now than ever that Business Management is not what I want to study. I chose the program with that knowledge, and I wasn't wrong. From seventh grade until my second semester at Weber State I wanted to be a high school band teacher. I think my parents were relieved when I finally disabused myself of that notion. It wasn't that I didn't enjoy it or that I didn't do well in the Music Ed. program. Quite the opposite. I just realized that it wasn't what I wanted to devote the rest of my professional life to.

That was a tough realization, and it left me directionless. So naturally, I went in the general direction that my wonderful mother always thought I was more cut out for: mechanical engineering. Once again, I liked the material, I did well (except for needing some catchup work on the math), and I even had a professor who claimed I had a certain rare gift that would make me an outstanding manufacturing engineer, in spite of the fact that I ditched his machining workshop for a week while I was on my honeymoon. But it wasn't my calling. I just somehow knew it.

Having really no idea of where to go this time, I didn't do the sensible thing and just finish my generals. No, I spent the last few weeks of my last semester in the engineering program doing serious soul searching, including lots of scripture (and patriarchal blessing) study, temple attendance, and prayer. On the day when I had to pick my classes or drop out of the next semester, I had the revelation, and it was so beautifully simple and perfect and true to my childhood self that I was overwhelmed by it all, but immediately saw the vision of what I was to become. I'm not ready to put just what that is out in cyberspace yet, so suffice to say that I declared a major in the brand-spanking-new electronic media division of the communications department and picked the courses for a minor in business. I was on my way.

Until the next semester, when my second daughter was born and I got fall-down sick from stress and lack of sleep. My GPA dropped a full half point in that one semester because I missed half my classes and I knew I couldn't go on in this way for long. So I took a year off to get things in order, predicting at the time that the biggest challenge of my life might be keeping the resolution to go back.

When the time came, I needed an option other than Weber with its traditional format and way-out-of-the-way location. I had already seen that I couldn't support a growing family on one income, go to school full time, and maintain my health. So I looked around. I applied at a film school in California, got a strong recommendation from the admissions counselor, but couldn't get the money together and didn't want to be saddled with $250,000 in student debt. That's not an exaggeration, either.

So I looked local. I was considering two options: try for the Media Arts program at the Y, or go for Business at Phoenix. I really wanted the first, but since my other responsibilities would force me to do it on a part time schedule, it would have taken at least six years - or until I was nearly 33. I wasn't sure that I was willing to put my family through that. Phoenix, on the other hand, I could do in the evenings, one class a week, and finish in only 36 months. So in spite of the fact that it was a subject of secondary importance to my plan, and though it caused me no small amount of heartache, it gave me more family time and offered other similar benefits, so that's the way I went. I suppose I'll know someday if I made the right decision, but that day is not today.

One of my goals has always been to have perfect grades - a bar I could never seem to clear in any educational institution since Leo J. Muir Elementary school. I believe that the letter grade is far from the most important part of an education, but perhaps because my siblings all achieved it, I wanted to prove to myself that I could do it.

Now, I've worked my brains out since going back to school, and while I haven't gotten perfect scores on every assignment, I have been done well enough that probably half of my professors felt constrained to pull me aside privately and say that I was doing work that was head and shoulders above the rest of the class. I don't mean to say that out of pride. I've worked with some brilliant classmates and owe much of my success to them. I also haven't always agreed with my professors' evaluations of my work, but as per the most recent update, I have maintained a 4.0 GPA since my first class at Phoenix, and that nice, round number is what graces my official transcript now. I know I haven't arrived yet, but I'm at the point where, even if I fall short in this final course, I think I've satisfied myself. But that doesn't mean I'm not going to work as hard as I can to make it perfect, or that I want my theory on that point tested.

My older brother finished his masters degree years ago and has a meaningful career. My younger brother is in a prestigious law school after finishing his undergraduate and working for quite a while in professional positions. My oldest younger sister has been a graduate for a good amount of time, and my youngest sister will have her graduation ceremony before I have mine.

Many of my friends in my general age range (I'm near the end of my 29th year), particularly some who read this blog (at least I think they still do), have masters degrees, and in some cases either are studying for or have achieved doctorates as well. Others are in the jobs they've always wanted, making enough money, and generally being further along in certain aspects of life than am I. I suspect that a lot of those who knew me growing up would be as surprised to learn that I don't yet have a degree of any kind as they usually are to discover how many children I do have.

I'm occasionally tempted to feel bad about all that; it's so easy to do. Then I remember the main reasons for it, and their names are Noel, Sara, Millie, Jeannie, and Megan, the five most beautiful women I know (with my mom coming in at a tie), though most are still of an age where the term "woman" is a ways off for practical application. If I could have all the education, degrees, and career advancement in the world, but had to put off my relationships with those five incredible beings for even one day, I would take those worldly accolades and shove them down the shredder as fast as it would take them. The last seven years of my life has been hard, but as my sweet wife and I approach our seventh anniversary, I can't help but think that they've been good and, more importantly, they've been right in all the ways that matter most.

Graduation from the University of Phoenix is not going to be the end of my formal education. I am going to take some time off again, though, and give my much neglected family some of the attention they desperately deserve. I'm also going to get some sleep. I don't know when or where I'll pursue the next level, or exactly what form that may level may take. As my classmate Ryan said last night as we discussed our futures, "You don't ask a pregnant woman if she's going to have another baby while she's in the hospital bed."

I just know that I'm grateful for the ride I've had, and I'm ready to tackle this last stretch of road - the last big wave before I get to flop down on the shore with a big thud, a big sigh, and a bigger smile. And then, when it's time, I'll get up.