That Ye Be Not Judged

Not long ago in Utah, a woman left her three-week-old baby in the care of her seven-year-old child so that she could go out drinking with her husband. The husband was already at the destination and, to his credit, he asked where the kids were. The woman told him they were with a babysitter. After a while, the older child went to a neighbor's house for help with the baby, at which point the police were called. When the couple returned, the truth came out and the kids were taken into state custody. I was stunned when I heard this story. It's terrible. It's unbelievable. But that's not what I want to talk about.

As anyone who's been reading this blog for any period of time knows, I'm pretty concerned about the way our public discourse tends to go, especially (but not exclusively) on the internet. What I mean is the startling deficiency of charity in our commentary, and our sometimes obsessive rush to judgment. I heard a prime example of this last night while listening to a radio talk-show host talk about the appalling story mentioned above.

Now, the host was pretty wishy-washy. He pretty much agreed with anyone who called in and then backpedaled from every bold statement once the call was over. He was clearly upset by the story, but I think he didn't really know what to say about it. The thing that bothered me was the comments made by the callers. One called for the permanent removal of the children from the home. Another said that the husband was obviously lying and that he had to have known the kids were alone. Several pointed out that if the kids were returned to the home, the same thing would probably happen again. Most called for the husband to leave his wife, one saying that that's what he would do. There was general agreement that the only way the father should be allowed custody was if he ended his relationship with the mother.

I think I understand all these comments. What happened was an outrage and everyone has the kids' best interests at heart. But I couldn't help but think, aren't we being a bit hasty to totally destroy a very salvageable family here? What evidence is there that the father was lying? I don't know of any, though there may be some. If he wasn't, should he lose his children because of his wife's actions? Is a moment of terrible irresponsibility more powerful than a marriage?

I think many of us have a tendency to want to say something clear and definitive when it comes to situations like this, but the wisest course of action seems to me to be to wait for all the evidence before forming an opinion. Even better, let's give people the benefit of the doubt. Are we so ready to judge each other that we are willing to recklessly recommend tearing a family - the basic societal unit in time and eternity - limb from limb on the basis of a mere accusation or a newspaper article telling nothing more than appearances?

Remember that we will be judged by the same standards we use to judge others.

The thing that disturbed me more than anything was the caller who said that the man should leave his wife without question because that's what the caller would do.

I can see how this position can come about through an attempt at empathy, but I personally refuse to cast suspicious thoughts on my wife without cause. Maybe it's naive, but I don't want to think about it. Now, my wife doesn't drink and is an exceptional mother, so I have no reason to even consider her in such a circumstance. I know not everyone can say that, but even if not, wouldn't our families be stronger if we thought about the greatness our spouses and family members were capable of rather than the lowness? I just think we should be careful what we say because if it comes out of our mouths, it has probably spent some time percolating in our brains and/or hearts. Speaking is but one step away from doing, and moves us much closer to action that I think we sometimes consider.

Maybe I'm up in the night on this, but I was really taken aback by what I heard and I wanted to vent my feelings and thoughts about it. I think we should tend towards charity and withhold judgment until we feel carefully sure, not just fly off the handle and condemn our brothers and sisters whenever we feel upset, outraged, or surprised. This is reminding me of an earlier post of mine on moral outrage.